Ambivalent

I wanted so badly to keep up with blogging, at least so that I have funny little stories and the ups and downs of parenthood documented so someday my children could read them and enjoy. But I have to face it: working 40+ hours a week and trying to raise three children is exhausting. I don't even know where to fit in time with my husband or social outings with friends. This life is what I wanted. It is just so hard sometimes when you look up at 9pm and you realize that you ate very little all day, stood through most meals either feeding a baby or rocking another, and that you know you are lucky if by the time you shower and make it to bed, it will be 11 pm.

I feel very mixed about blogging. I feel like condensing, like making life simple and neat and easy. We are almost done with the short sale on our house, which leaves me with many emotions. We have put so much work into this house, watched our baby girl learn to walk here, shared wonderful memories in its many rooms. But the birth of the boys and our subsequent pay reductions have made it impossible to keep. We found a lovely home, even bigger than this one, with brand new everything, and it is located in my husband's school zone so Ainsley could attend kinder next year there and meet neighborhood children. Needless to say, the rent would be half of our current mortgage payment. It doesn't quite wash with daycare for the boys, but it gets us close. I think, while it certainly is incredibly stressful, it is the right move for us.

The boys are doing well, overall. Aidan has been struggling with his exposure to germs from daycare and he is now on his second round of breathing treatments in three weeks from RSV. Thankfully, it didn't seem to hit him too bad, but I had to fly in my mother to stay with for the first week of school because he had a fever and we obviously couldn't miss being there. It has been crazy, to say the least. Quinn, thankfully, remains untouched.

As for me, I am struggling a lot with the emotions of being a parent to three children. I feel like I am stretched so thin and when I see friends or even strangers who have multiple children and seem to balance everything so well, I feel jealous. Some days, after Aidan has spit up in my hair, after I realize I have walked around all day with carrots on my face, and when I acknowledge that the pain in my abdomen is because I haven't stopped to pee, I feel like crying. Even with Mike helping me, the two of us are exhausted. Blogging just seems very faraway right now. It matches the distance I feel with friends in my life, with not feeling like I can find women who relate to my situation, even in my Moms of Multiples group.

It is wonderful, though. Pretty amazing to see how much these two little boys have matured and changed. They both have their own distinct personalities and varied needs. I love them immensely.

For now, I may have to take a hiatus from blogging. It could be short-lived, or it could be permanent. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I have purchased two baby books for the boys where I can document their little milestones and funny stories here and there so I don't feel totally useless.

Maybe, soon enough, I will get my head above water and I will see you again.