Ambivalent

I wanted so badly to keep up with blogging, at least so that I have funny little stories and the ups and downs of parenthood documented so someday my children could read them and enjoy. But I have to face it: working 40+ hours a week and trying to raise three children is exhausting. I don't even know where to fit in time with my husband or social outings with friends. This life is what I wanted. It is just so hard sometimes when you look up at 9pm and you realize that you ate very little all day, stood through most meals either feeding a baby or rocking another, and that you know you are lucky if by the time you shower and make it to bed, it will be 11 pm.

I feel very mixed about blogging. I feel like condensing, like making life simple and neat and easy. We are almost done with the short sale on our house, which leaves me with many emotions. We have put so much work into this house, watched our baby girl learn to walk here, shared wonderful memories in its many rooms. But the birth of the boys and our subsequent pay reductions have made it impossible to keep. We found a lovely home, even bigger than this one, with brand new everything, and it is located in my husband's school zone so Ainsley could attend kinder next year there and meet neighborhood children. Needless to say, the rent would be half of our current mortgage payment. It doesn't quite wash with daycare for the boys, but it gets us close. I think, while it certainly is incredibly stressful, it is the right move for us.

The boys are doing well, overall. Aidan has been struggling with his exposure to germs from daycare and he is now on his second round of breathing treatments in three weeks from RSV. Thankfully, it didn't seem to hit him too bad, but I had to fly in my mother to stay with for the first week of school because he had a fever and we obviously couldn't miss being there. It has been crazy, to say the least. Quinn, thankfully, remains untouched.

As for me, I am struggling a lot with the emotions of being a parent to three children. I feel like I am stretched so thin and when I see friends or even strangers who have multiple children and seem to balance everything so well, I feel jealous. Some days, after Aidan has spit up in my hair, after I realize I have walked around all day with carrots on my face, and when I acknowledge that the pain in my abdomen is because I haven't stopped to pee, I feel like crying. Even with Mike helping me, the two of us are exhausted. Blogging just seems very faraway right now. It matches the distance I feel with friends in my life, with not feeling like I can find women who relate to my situation, even in my Moms of Multiples group.

It is wonderful, though. Pretty amazing to see how much these two little boys have matured and changed. They both have their own distinct personalities and varied needs. I love them immensely.

For now, I may have to take a hiatus from blogging. It could be short-lived, or it could be permanent. I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I have purchased two baby books for the boys where I can document their little milestones and funny stories here and there so I don't feel totally useless.

Maybe, soon enough, I will get my head above water and I will see you again.

Short, but Sweet

I have lots I want to blog about, but am so exhausted right now. Look for upcoming posts on teething, why my babies won't take a nap, and the dreaded letter from the fertility center about what to do with our leftover embryos.

In the meantime, here are my sweet ones . . .

Missed Moments

Ainsley's 4th birthday was on April 12th. When I was pregnant and it really looked like I would at least make it to my amnio appt. shortly before her birthday, I decided to plan her birthday party a few weeks early (March 28th) so that I could be there and we wouldn't have to drag two preemie babies somewhere with a bunch of germie kids.



Well, of course, fate decided that I was to miss her birthday party. I cannot tell you how much I cried in the hospital that day, knowing she was at her favorite little pizza place with her friends and my husband and they were blowing out candles on her cake and singing to her while I was trying to stay pregnant. (The boys arrived the next day.) Mike brought her to my hospital room later and we opened gifts together, shared more cake, and I cuddled with her as best as I could being bed-bound.



I am so blessed with Ainsley. I don't know how I lucked out in getting such an amazing, kind, free-spirited young lady. She loves her brothers so much, has never displayed any jealousy or frustration with them (or us). I still have a hard time looking at her birthday pictures my girlfriends took for me and I was hoping she had forgotten my absence. But she said to me very simply the other night, "Mommy? You remember when you missed my birthday party because you were in the hospital getting ready to have my brothers?" I almost dropped my plate, waiting for her to suddenly burst into tears and tell me I had ruined her life or something. Then, almost as if she knew, she got up from her chair and hugged my leg and said so simply, "I love you, Mommy!"

Blessed, I tell you.

I Cannot Believe it's July . . .

So....I have three children now. It is the weirdest thing to wrap my head around. Going from 1 to 3 is almost impossible to put into words.

The boys are 15 weeks old and we are slowly settling into a routine. Kind of. I know I haven't discussed them since they were newborns-I guess I should address that first. My recovery was very difficult. I had horrible insomnia when I got home because I was so worried about them being in the NICU. I drove myself to the hospital (about a 45 minute drive in traffic) at least twice a day with husband and toddler in tow. Then Ainsley got a double ear infection and possible RSV right before they were supposed to come home, so I was hobbling around, cleaning like a mad woman while my daughter ran a 103 fever for three days. Then, the boys were supposed to come home, but they were refluxing so much in the NICU that they each had some apnea episodes. I am shocked I survived those 13 days.

When they came home, the PPD set in badly. I fought it and tried to deny the emotions I felt, the worst being guilt. I felt like I was a horrible mother (not sure why) and that I didn't deserve them. Worst of all, Aidan at 2 weeks old began showing signs of pain and proceeded to cry every waking moment of every day. My stepmother came and ended up extending her stay 5 weeks because I wasn't coping. I went on a mild antidepressant and started thinking I should just accidentally take all the pills in the house. Yeah, I know. It was my lowest moment, but when I acknowledged it out loud to my family and they realized that I needed their support and help getting through it, I began the slow road to recovery.

I went off the medicine within a few short weeks and sadly, once I returned to work in June to finish out my contracted days, I felt human again. Getting away from Aidan's constant screaming, which after seeing a specialist and having numerous tests done was determined to be reflux, was necessary for my happiness. Mike stayed home and dealt far better than me, and now I am back at home with the boys as of July 1st. The three of us spend our days trying to find peace for Aidan and trying to be calm. It is taxing and makes my brain mushy. It is harder than anything I have ever done in my entire life.

I have been writing the weeks on the fridge calendar, small baby steps in the hopes Aidan will suddenly get better and poor Quinn will get the attention he deserves. Aidan has been on four medications and we are trying soy formula now, which is our sixth formula. I began seeing a chiropractor for him this week. I want to ease his pain more than anything in the world. He smiles and coos and has gorgeous dimples, but cries during 90% of his awake time. Quinn is serious and I have only caught him smirking at me a few times. No cooing or laughing from him yet, which makes me worry, too. It is so hard not to.

I should add to this that despite the difficulties I am experiencing, I am really looking forward to seeing these babies grow into little men. Dividing my attention is tricky all day long, but I am trying my damnedest to be a wonderful mother. I have also kept to my hopes that Ainsley's life would be as close to normal as possible and thankfully, my husband and I are a wonderful team with her. She is enrolled in swim lessons, spends the weekend doing something with each parent, whether it be a movie or bike ride or birthday party. She loves her brothers, whom she affectionately calls "her babies" and we have not seen one instance of jealousy that everyone warned me would come about. She is a wonderful little girl.

August 6th is Mike's last day of work and then we are all off together for 2.5 weeks. I am calling this time "Baby Boot Camp" because the boys have to start daycare August 30th. Time to get them into their cribs, unswaddled, and hopefully sleeping through the night. They usually go from 8:45 pm now to about 4 am. I think Aidan would sleep through, but Quinn usually wakes to eat and wakes Aidan up. Haven't quite figured out how to solve that one yet.

This week I am also meeting with my Moms of Multiples group for the first time. There is one Mom whom I have spoken with a few times on the phone who has triplets and lives closeby. I really would like to spend some time with women who understand my life with twins and also hopefully join their playgroups once the boys are older.

The other situation that has been on our mind is the house. Mike and I both lost our extended teaching contracts for next school year and will be on a traditional 9-month schedule. That was a $14,000 paycut for us and then in May, the restaurant Mike has worked at a few nights a week for 8 years closed suddenly. We found out our friend who was supposed to come home from Korea and watch our boys has to now stay in Korea another year, which means we have to pay a ridiculous amount for childcare. All in all, the only change we can make is to short sell our home. :( We are upside-down $160,000, so it doesn't make sense to try to keep it. We already have a buyer and an offer, so now it is up to the bank to accept it. We will just have to rent for a while. We can rent a home with enough room for all of us in a wonderful neighborhood for $1100 right now. That will save us an astronomical amount of money and once Ainsley goes to Kindergarten in another year, we can reevaluate the situation.

Okay, so I will finish with some gratuitous pictures of my children. It has been so hot here so we don't get out much, plus with Aidan it is next to impossible. But we did make it out to dinner with friends for July 4th.

**Also, I would like to add that yes, I actually am the one who did not spell "fulfilled" correctly when designing the blog. And yes, I am very aware now my site address reflects my ridiculous mistake. It is probably going to drive me nuts for who knows how long - but I am going to blame it on motherhood. It is exhausting and like I said before, my brain=jello while caring for the little people.

A New Beginning

My blog started to feel foreign to me after the boys were born. I ended up with a raging case of postpartum depression that scared everyone around me, including myself. And the next thing I knew, I hadn't blogged in months. The sad thing is - I love blogging. And the farther I got from it, the more I realized how much I missed it. Once I began feeling more like myself, I realized how much I wanted to write again.

Today, the boys are 14 weeks old and I have documented next to nothing about their lives. I want to get back to that, but at the same time, I wanted my blog to be less about ME and more about my family and all of our experiences together. Our journey to become parents was a difficult one, but it is so nice to know that my family is now complete. It gives me a new sense of direction, focusing more on the moment and not on what I am missing.

I want to include more pictures here, more little tidbits about our lives. I am not sure how much I will be able to post, but I have been trying to come in the office at night to sort through my day and it would make me so happy to talk about everything here. Let's face it: life with Ainsley was crazy, yet incredibly enjoyable. Since Quinn and Aidan arrived, I am often overwhelmed with emotion. I feel completely baffled that I am still standing at the end of the day. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I want so badly to do it well. Parenting never seemed like more of a challenge until recently, but I guess that is to be expected.

I hope you stay and ride along on this journey with me. Please let me know you are here!